I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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