just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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