I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
