cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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