shes about as inviting as chlamydia
if only i could text you this smell
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
