I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
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