Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
