I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
