I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
