My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
