i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need to align my fucking chakras
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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