new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
