I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
