I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
