Apparently you make a good broom.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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