He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
