I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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