Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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