Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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