Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
