The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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