I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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