How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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