are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
