Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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