3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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