just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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