my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
