Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
