my phone needs a breathalizer
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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