we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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