can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
