Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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