Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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