I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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