Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
