Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
