Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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