4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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