I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
