reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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