It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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