if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
