Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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