I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
