so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
