i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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