I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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