I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
