I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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