I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
