Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
