I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
