Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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