oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
