he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we're making bets on your personal life
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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