neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
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Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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