so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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