one two three fourrrrnication!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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