highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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